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[sticky post] Copyright

Copyright Corrine Chancellor 2002-2018

Sorry if this repeats, it keeps coming off sticky.

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Net detox

I’m taking a technology detox, so I won’t be here as much. I don’t know exactly what will happen. I might plan for the detox, then not do it. I might disappear. Most likely it will be somewhere in between the two extremes. I will miss you all. I isolate at home often, so I don’t make many friends IRL. Harriet, however you feel about me, is one of my closest friends. So it’s not something I want to do. This journal has opened my eyes to abuse, saved me from suicide and done amazing things for my life, so to just say I can’t visit it much anymore is a difficult thing to accept. But it’s time to let go. Thanks for reading!

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Gang stalking

“If a gang is stalking you hon, you would know.” She says from the gang unit for the Denver police. “Okay thank you for answering my question.” I say. “Sure have a nice day.” She says.

“Mom, I talked to the Denver police. I still don’t want to go to Denver, but I feel safer.” I say “That’s great dear, Same was getting worried about you.” She says. “Oh I know za whams gets worried about me, right kitty.” I say. “Meow” Same says with a concerned look in her eye.

“Someone in the lobby triggered my gang stalking delusion, but then I saw him talking with staff and talking to himself and it kinda pulled me out of it”. I say to my therapist.
“So you saw him and noticed by how he was acting that he wasn’t a threat.” She says.
“Yes.” I say
“That’s progress” She says with a smile.

I went to Denver with a group on Saturday and I felt anxious. I felt safer staying close to the group. I was triggered once on the trip, but overall it went well. I still am not fully convinced I am safe from gang stalking, but it doesn’t preoccupy my mind and it only comes up maybe once a week or less. I watched a video on gang stalking from Vice yesterday and there was a psychiatrist in it who had some good arguments for why gang stalking is a paranoid delusion. I do have a mental disorder, so odds are it’s that.

The special path

“Where are going?”
“Oh, the secret ath nobody knows about.” Mom says
“What about them?” I ask
“They don’t exist” she says

It’s a mossy path, I see a squirrel run past and some unusual birds fly by. They seem startled to see people here. There is a small stream trickling by. I run ahead into it jumping on the little rocks
“Wait” mom yells from behind as she sits on a big rock.
“We have to go back”
Why is it always like this, I am enjoying something & we have to go back.
“Mom, can’t we go further?” I plead
“No, I’m in terrible agonizing pain, do you want me to die?!” She says as she rubs her knee and rubs her back
“Oh okay, we’ll go back”
For years I tried to cover up when I was depressed. Tonight I just let off that vibe and no one said anything. The only thing I noticed was, when I went to join a group of people to socialize they all moved away from me. Next time I am depressed I will just go home. Nobody cares.

Changed usernames

I changed my username again. I didn’t like being rai-key, so I changed it to my childhood nickname, which didn’t happen to be taken. I don’t know how anyone else didn’t have such a cool childhood nickname and if they did they weren’t dying to use it as a username. Well I finally was, so here it is, I am Cadi Ray.
I don’t understand why people must use mental health diagnoses as insults. Not only do they do it, but they use them in the wrong way because they don’t understand the diagnosis. I even do this with the sociopath diagnosis, so I am trying to stop. Like no, other people live their lives with this diagnosis, they have to accept horrific life circumstances, then your ignorant ass comes along and insults someone you don’t like with a label they didn’t want to begin with. I know ableist do it with other disabilities, I have even used these before I understood. I still use the word crazy or even lame, but I regret it afterwards. It really irks me. I’m sorry but not every politician you hate is psychotic. Not every moody coworker you dislike is bipolar. Just because someone is selfish it doesn’t mean she is a narcissist or a sociopath. These are rare diagnoses given by trained professionals. Please stop using them casually and I will try to do the same.

Work and disability

Working was a great escape when I was in an unhealthy relationship. I worked 80 hours some weeks. I didn’t love my job, but I liked my coworkers. I have always liked working and have wanted to work as much as possible. When I first got psychosis I just kept working as if nothing had happened. I applied for disability, because mom told me to, got denied and decided it didn’t matter. I went to school and worked like it didn’t matter. Struggled, but thought I had to prove people with bipolar 1 can work (I technically have schizoaffective now, but it was bipolar back then). But once I was severely late for months on end and my friendly boss had a serious talk with me the option of disability came back. If it were any other job I would have been fired. I was severely depressed too and I really thought that if the ideal working conditions weren’t enough for me, maybe it was time to apply for social security. But they don’t just give anybody social security. They saw that I worked and graduated from college. They looked at my age. They read my clinical record. Instead of agreeing with my doctors, they discredited their opinion. I felt angry and hopeless once I got through with my first hearing. A second hearing is coming up and my lawyer says the judge will likely stick with his original decision. He didn’t say, “unless we do...” I have to keep going, but I feel like I will be in poverty for life, because the most I can work is part time (if that) and social security will perpetually say “no” to me. Don’t feel too bad yet, I have money in savings. I just felt like complaining about this again. I’ll be fine...other than being sick and broke. It could always get worse, after all they are gutting Medicaid. Thanks for reading!
Tell other states to ratify the law that Rhode Island just voted on

Rhose Island just voted unanimously to require that presidential candidates release 5 years of tax returns to get on the ballot. This could be a huge problem for Donald Trump. Add your name to this petition to encourage all other states to ratify the same law.

Posted by Corrine Chancellor on 27 Jun 2018, 13:55

“How do you do that?” She asks. “Do what?” I say “you don’t splash when you kick, but you still go fast.” She says “oh I don’t know, it’s just how I swim, you can watch me if you want to.” So a half hour goes by and I realize I learned to swim with the plastic fins you slip on your feet and I think my instructor must have told me something. I get so down on myself for doing nothing but the kick board, at least someone appreciates my style.

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