Corrine (cadi_ray) wrote,
Corrine
cadi_ray

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strange feeling or fear

Death haunts me.

The first death I remember mourning was my great aunt Elenor.
Everyone tells me about my grandfather I never remember meeting who died when I was 3.
After that I've lost three other older family members.
Another family member died from cancer.
My boyfriend lost both his parents, both very dear to my heart.
Two friends gave up on life too young.
Three other friends died from carelessness.
Another friend died too young from medical complications.
...
There are another 20 people I knew who died, maybe more.
All special to the world in some way.
...
So why, oh why do I mention this?
Not for whining sake, but there is this burning feeling keeping me awake.
It started this morning.
I got off from work early and just before I hoped into the car I had a bad feeling about getting into the car. I didn't imagine a crash and everything was fine.
Later, I saw my grandma. I had the feeling again. It became very strong when I told her about this place I wanted to go to with her. Again no clear vision of what would happen, just a bad feeling. Worse than the, gee my grandma is 80 she might not make it two more weeks. Then I awoke 5 minutes ago from an image of a skeleton turning it's head around and saying, "someone you know will die" It kept speaking, but I was too freaked out.
...
Being mortal is so painful. the trade off of living seems worth the pain of getting old and dying; however painful it truly is.
It creeps me out that I have a friend who works for a mortuary.
It creeps me out that my friends are fastinated with death.
It creeped me out when my friend said, "oh you don't want to be my friend, I'm bad luck."
I responded, "If that is the case, you better stay away from me"
I hope this is just my own fear of loss, rather than a real preminition.
I have a bad feeling it isn't, because the last time I felt this way something bad happened.
If nihilism makes so much sense, how come this feels so real?
I came so close to dying at least four times, is all this mourning my karma?
Four times...
I was born with an ambilical chord noose.
The car crash where the safety belt saved my life.
the time I wanted to die so bad and almost jumped off the roof, but changed my mind.
The times I drank too much and puked all night.
The time I was almost struck by lightning.
....
It all comes from nothing and goes back into nothing.
Tags: death, loss, losses
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