Corrine (cadi_ray) wrote,
Corrine
cadi_ray

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How I escaped my own mental torture:
(I'm really crazy and had no idea at the time, I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying)

So...my brain loves playing with ideas.
Any idea given to it and it has to play with it.
Somehow...playing with the ideas so much caused me to be bored talking to other people, because the ideas of the world seem boring.
So I think in stories...in algorithms...in alogory...because it helps me to come back to reality from the mental torture of not being left alone to think.
When I'm not left alone...it makes me feel like my mind is under attack.
So I think of strategies...mental mind control strategies...to protect my mind from attack.
The problem is...it makes people try to take my mind...what I mean to say is they treat me like a fucking idiot...which makes me angry and suicidal...which causes me to hurt myself...
So...I thought I have to grant myself the power to heal myself.
So...if what I have is a concussion brought on by depressive/schizophrenia...thinking too much or whateva. The only way to get out is to go back from wence I came...because that is what I do in the real world to get out of being lost.
If it is thinking too much...which it must be...if the symptoms of thinking too much are hearing voices...then I needed to make the voice friendly...I made it a guardian angel...like how I imagined my aunt elenor as a child...Then I pictured myself cleaning up my mind, just like I go through and clean up files on a computer...I thought of what I did to make myself happy...what I find comforting from memory...I pictured myself visiting my memory...I literally walked thorough a familiar neighborhood to do it.
...
Basically I had to make myself feel better by having fun and finding what is familiar...so I wouldn't think I was observing my brain dying and therefore it would have died.
My brain needed to remember the story of my family...so it wouldn't be lonely...because when I feel lonely...I think of the characters books gave me as a child...I get lost in stories...because I view life as a play...I see people as mirrors...each situation as a new play...each role as something I need to play...

In the way I understand it in internet slang:
The file in your brain has been lost, hacked or deleted. Error 404-file not found.
...it means I couldn't find the file to live by...I was caught in some nightmare...and I played it out in real life...I needed to understand that people cared about me, because I believe that reality isn't real...reality doesn't need to be real...it just has to be...like a book...it is something to participate in...
Philosophy is the fear of losing thoughts, but thoughts come back. your brain just has to find a way to find your thoughts, like a portal...I write my thoughts to share them with the world...in case they are listening...because I want people to listen to me...because I want to have something important to say...like everyone...because everyone needs to feel special...
The thing is people can't be forced to do anything. It fucks with free will. The most basic instinct people have. they shouldn't be fucking manipulated by their parents into doing shit they don't want to do. The thing is the brain has so much power people haven't even tapped into. Code words your brain hears...it relates them to something deep in your psyche. Stories you hear as a child...they mean everything to you, because you think you can do anything as a child. Then other people make you into a fucking slave. The thing is...when you are promised something and it isn't given to you, it hurts. I was promised every dream I ever had would come true, that I could do anything I wanted...but it never happened...it hurt me terribly...I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was as a child. I wanted everyone to have money, to be treated like royalty...My mother wouldn't just leave me alone to just be a kid...she transfered all of her desires onto me...made me into the most important person in the fucking planet, same with my brother...
I guess this is the thing I'm just an introverted girl. Introverts need space to live in fantasy, because they love books. They are often read to as children and imagine themselves as characters in books. They relate the characters in the books and hypnotize themselves with crazy fantasies of what the world should be like. They test the world to see if it is like the books. To see if love never dies...if god exists...they are relying on something outside themselves to make them happy. The truth is happiness is something you find when you find a way to control your enviroment...your life...so you don't have to fear...because fear causes a lack of control...
As a child you believe everything your parents tell you, because you think you can trust everything they say. It is like hyponotism. Your subconscious is being held captive by mind control. oh yes. I'm nucking futs. I like cake. Fucking take me away, fucking kill me, fucking take everything away from me, feed me pills until I die, the true secret is in the buddhist bible it is what jack keroquac says. If for some reason you think you are crazy or it feels like you are in some crazy cycle...you don't need damned permission to get out of it...no good person would ever hurt you for thinking...no good loving god would ever hurt you for thinking...thinking is how my mind plays with ideas...my brain thinks it is fun...fun is easy to have and I know you feel rushed...no need to feel rushed there is plenty of time...
first step:
think of a concept that makes you feel at home.
If home isn't safe, think of a place where you feel in control.
Maybe you are an introvert like me...then you feel safe with the internet...
with thoughts and concepts just like me.
Okay maybe you understand free will. Locus of control. or the concept of fear...people do not want to fear, they want a savior...be saved...or someone to save them...when you are waiting to find something it won't come to you...it will come to you when you need it to...when your brain knows things come to you when you need them, then it knows the thoughts will come back...maybe schizophrenia is the fear of losing thoughts...the fear of loss...loss happens when it is meant to...birth happens when it is meant to...
Tags: great place to share, no time to explain, psychosis, real psychosis, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, share with psychologist and delete, unmedicated schizoaffective, what was i thinking?
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