Corrine (cadi_ray) wrote,

Average day one year ago

My life as an IT work study, a few days combined into one long day. Forgive me if there are errors, I'd rather post it with them. I think this is important, because it includes a few positives of the IT job. After I had pushed away the only boyfriend I ever loved, I finally got the courage to ask for a promotion (although the line between love and creepy obsession gets blurred). Either way, I took on the role of being more prude than the virgin sitting next to me. Odd for a girl who left the goth scene because the boys weren't dirty enough. At least school was easier once I figured out I could take medication late, because I'd still wake up to keep my job. For a month it had caught up with me, every day another email about how much later I was then the previous day. Today, I skipped the shower, grabbed a muffin, and ran out the door. I ran in front of the bus as it screeched to a halt. The bus driver could have been fired over me, after all it is a crime to run someone over, he lectures me with fear as I sheepishly walk to the back of the bus. Everyone cares if you show up early, no one cares about the person who shows up late no matter how many side effects their medications have or how little motivation they have to get up. One might think the pink slips in elementary school, the laughing kids in class or those worried words of teachers would have changed me. At least today was an exception for a terrible habit. It's Friday, maybe I'll even get a donut and coffee. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, depression and sedating medication, but all the people I'm surrounded by seem like Einstein today. One has a film they made over the weekend and the other is explaining how to do a time lapse. I ask a few naive questions and look the list of tasks. Edit videos, make some concepts for posters, study and watch training videos. I get distracted by sighs. I breathe, try to remember feelings aren't tragedy competitions and ask him how he is. Everyone is good or fine at work, except for melodramatic fools like me. For this job it is better that way, it's easier to focus on work when I'm not trying to play counselor. I feel a little concerned, but figure it isn't anything I need to meddle in. It can't be like how I felt those days. It's like giving a lecture to a crowd, while calming down a small child, while arguing with someone about why they need to live, while delusional and hoping I don't start getting paranoid or begin to hallucinate. Feeling like this most people live with their parents and hope social security is nicer than their brain chemistry. I turned down that opportunity to live my dreams. The easy morning is interrupted by yet another pessimistic thought. I hold my breath and causally run to the bathroom for a half hour. This happens at least once a week, though no one has ever said anything, not to my face. I sit back down with the list of tasks, one is due in a few days. Ideas for a screen saver, the best project my other coworker ever did. I'm not feeling up to the task, but I google a few things and come up with something entertaining and bizarre, but not exactly the image anyone wants for their college. The boss comes in with a new gadget, I quickly hide all but the most boring concept I had. He is hesitantly encouraging, especially after I disclosed my illness to him after a bad review. I remember it very well, I've never had a review that bad from an easy job. He confronts me with those emails about being late, the stack could be used to play a card game with two decks. Surprisingly I wasn't fired, but I'm given a warning. Thankful, but ashamed I make another long trip to the bathroom to tell my secrets to rolls of pulverized dead trees hidden in plastic coverings. Mr. answers my long dramatic emails with frustration and anger, other than completely failing at work ethics, I'm also excelling at harassment and alienating someone who mattered to me. I give up on the concepts, sort of staring at the screen. The boring one is more boring, maybe the third cup of coffee will help. Even the youtube break, inspirational video and coffee doesn't help. Back down the familiar hallway, to the deluxe coffee bar, I guess this is what IT guys picture heaven looking like. Free donuts, coffee, old and new gadgets to play with, endless access to free training and no one who fires you over being 5 minutes late. Oh and they listened to our ideas, let us do homework, and let us take impossibly long breaks. A sample of what could have been my dream job and I was too sick to appreciate it. While I loved watching youtube, visiting with coworkers and taking photos while being payed, I hated how I felt. How could I possibly want to jump off a building who showed me life can be kind when you least expect it? You never do get to hold unto something good forever, but you learn what you need to when it is lost. Instead of enjoying another day there, I took the train to the hospital, had an interview with a doctor and was advised staying would be the fastest way to getting better. By the time I was released, it was time for finals. The boss sat everyone down and said the team was being downsized or replaced. That little conspiracy theorist in the back of my head thinks it was a clever way to discriminate against me, either way that opportunity was gone, not just for me, but for everyone who could have had such a good time at work. If that job couldn't make me happy, then it was time to prioritize getting better and forget everything else.
Tags: a day, it, today
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