2 years ago I had foolish notions about love. then I realized love isn't about finding a mate and having friends it is about compassion.
I was watching the news today and it made me so sad to see all the homeless people on the streets, it hurt me more to see how many of them are families. I think well if I was really compassionate I would give up a part of myself to help them.
Mostly I understand love more (I am not saying I understand it more than anyone else) than I did before. I see J hurting and I wanna cry, I know something is bothering him and I can feel it. when he is happy I feel happy for him and even when he is angry I try to understand. love isn't about the desire to be with someone out of loneliness (damn when I am alone it does feel like it)
That makes it seem like I am too nice, I am not nice. I ignore phone calls from my mother. I never help my grandmother. I flipp off people when I drive and I have done numerous bad things in my life time.
at one point I desired friendship more than anything in this world. Acceptance and understanding. then I realized I understood how others suffered I could see something about them that was like me. even when they are assholes, I pity them because there is something inside them suffering (or I laugh because I know they are just using me to get a laugh, I don't get made fun of anymore)
I guess mostly it is knowing that someone loves me and I love them back. that makes me feel like the greatest person in the world. It still matters to me that my films suck and my life sucks sometimes, but for that moment I am happy.
it isn' tlike it had to be from jay it is just seeing someone smile because I thought to pick something up for them. it makes me feel better, but I am not attached to them being happy about (ok so I am, dammit)
love may never be explained, but to me love is something deeper than just marriage and sex. it is compassion for the entire human race. knowing someone is hurting and doing everything you can, with reason, to help them.
just some half asleep shutterings.