pain is getting a surgery in my abdomen and the pulling feeling when I have to get up from bed or walk to the bathroom.
When the car door slams on my finger accidently. It is when I bite down on my tongue thinking it is food. It is the sharp familiar pain from sitting too long when sciatica returns. Pain is the aching in my back from a car accident. So I pop an ibuprofen and it helps a little, but none of these compare to the emotional pain I feel.
Pain is also losing the one person who meant happiness to me. It is the first loss of the gentle sweet aunt who was kind to me. It is the sudden loss of someone I wanted to know better. It is watching helplessly as mental illness tears my life apart. It is crying for hours when I have homework over due. It is being so far from reality that I fight anyone trying to explain what reality is. It is not being able to afford the mortgage or rent. It is moving away from everything I have ever known to afford life. It is feeling alone in a crowd of people. It is being with him or without him. It is feeling weak, curling into a ball and knowing if I get up I will faint. It is working a full time job your whole life for less than you are worth in a city you hate to survive, because that is how capitalism works. It is watching everything I believe in crumble away, knowing how it will affect or even kill the earth. Mostly it is the inability to let go. The pain itself passes within moments, what makes it stay is clinging to it.
"If only it wasn't happening to me," I think. If only he was a better person. If only nobody was impersonating me. I'm sure you have different if only. But what if I accept this reality? Well he isn't a good person and neither am I. I have a blog and it was bound to happen, oh well.
Pain is a fleeting feeling. It is an intense rush of displeasure indicating something is wrong. It can be emotional, like crying, or physical like a stinging, burning, sharp, or dull ache. It tells you something has to change. I often want to numb the pain, but numbing the pain creates new problems like video game addiction. The pain itself is not as bad as how I react to it.